Take Control of Your Teen’s Sex Life
We actually have more healthy and realistic impact on our teen’s sexual development and expression than we might think. Giving thought and care to how we can be a positive influence in their sex life is maybe more important than ever. The key is to become attuned to our own mindset about our teen’s sex life and sexuality so that we can be intentional with our parenting of this important part of maturity. Invite the concepts below into your parental way-of-being and you will then be ready to enact the seven secrets of the sex talk(s) with your teen. Read that companion article here.
What you control about your teen’s sex life
You control your thoughts.
These include your values, ideals, and hopes for your teenager. Recognize thoughts that are value judgments about your teen having sex, engaging in sexual expression, and obtaining clarity about their sexual orientation. Self-awareness about your thoughts is important because your thoughts influence your feelings about your teen’s blossoming sexuality.
You control your feelings.
Is fear at the top of your list? Welcome to the club! And, until we venture into this topic with them, we don’t know how they’ll react to us. So nervousness is often hanging out alongside our fear. We know that sexual activity comes with potential inherent risks to one’s physical health and emotional well-being. We have legitimate fears on behalf or our kiddos including pregnancy, STDs, and sexual assault. Societal pressure for teens to engage in sexual activity and exploit themselves is intense.
Perhaps you also feel confused. Cultural rules and norms about sex, sexual expression, and sexual orientation have changed rapidly. It’s nearly impossible to keep our finger-on-the-pulse of teenage sexual culture because so much of it is visible only to them in their private and exclusive digital realm. And access to online porn is easy. Mature content and ideas have wormed their way in to the psyches of our grade schoolers. It’s hard to protect our kid’s innocence and nearly impossible to know all that they’ve been exposed to by the time they reach adolescence.
You may also feel a little excited about the idea of your teen’s self-discovery in relation to their sexual selves, especially if your sexual coming-of-age was a positive experience. If you feel disgust, this may stem from your past negative or traumatic sexual experiences or your religious beliefs.
When you increase your awareness about these and any other feelings, you maximize your potential for inviting a conversation about sex rather than imposing a judgy lecture on the topic. This is no time for lecturing unless you genuinely like eye-rolls and whines of, “Oh. My. Gawwd!”
Become self-aware so that you can invite quality conversation with your teenager.
You control your actions.
When you operate from the magical place of self-awareness, your choices become intentional and align with your goals. Remember, you’re playing the long-game here. Have short-term goals for each individual conversation about sex that align with your long-term goal of your adolescent maturing with a healthy consciousness of their sexual needs and wants. Choose a time and place for initiating a sex talk that honors your teen’s likely receptivity. Remain curious. Refrain from lecturing. Withhold judgment.
Highlight realistic emotional and physical safety concerns. Offer accurate unbiased information about contraception. Providing your teen with contraception information and/or contraception does not mean you condone teen sex. It means you expect and value safety. Your teen’s decision to have intercourse does not require your consent. You may not agree that they are ready to have sex but they will inevitably come to that decision on their own. (After all, didn’t you?) Few teens willingly inform their parents about their choice to have sex. Your goal is to appeal to their good judgment in this realm of health and safety because, in the heat of the moment, we want our teen to access that seed you planted about mindful and deliberate protection from pregnancy and STDs.
Assess their sexual maturity level based on their thoughts, feelings, behavior and questions asked during your discussion. This way, you can tailor your comments and questions accordingly. (Your teen’s chronological age may not match their level of sexual maturity.) The data you gather during your talk(s) will help you formulate ideas about what to remain curious and communicative about in future sex talks. Attuning to your teen in these ways allows you to meet their needs when it comes to how you show up for them around the topic of s-e-x.
Create an opportunity to learn about your teen and formulate ideas for future conversations.
What you can’t control about your teen’s sex life
Shocking, we know, but you really can’t. Your teen’s obedience in response to your fears, values, or mandates when it comes to sex will not serve them well as adults. Trust me on this one. Your goal is to influence, not control.
They control their thoughts.
Maybe they’ll agree with all of yours. But not likely.
They control their feelings.
For a non-traumatized teen, excited anticipatory tension about sex usually wins out over fear.
They control their actions.
Unless you plan to be by their side every moment between now and the time they fly from your nest, your teen birdie needs to spread those wings and fly (a little). Practice makes perfect in every other realm of life. Sexuality is no different.
You do have the power to influence your teen by appealing to their good judgment about health and safety when it comes to being sexual and having sex.
Companion article: 7 Secrets to The Sex Talk(s) With Your Teen