Ditch New Year’s Resolutions. Create a Start-Stop-Continue Plan.
Change requires more than doing something new. It also requires stopping what doesn’t work and continuing what’s already working well.
When I work with parents looking to create change and find family harmony, I always tell them the same thing: creating connection with each other is as much about what you don’t do, as it is about what you decide to do.
It’s natural to look for a fresh start when we’re seeking change. A new calendar year, a move, or a new job can provide the impetus for trying something new. It’s a positive opportunity. The problem is that we often neglect the broader context.
Many parents think that if they just decide what they want to change – create a real resolution for change – things will shift. Not true.
Change isn’t easy. We need to break personal habits. We need to modify mindsets. We need to shift our way-of-being in our role and in our family system.
That’s why I recommend going beyond the New Year’s Resolution. Create a Start-Stop-Continue plan instead.
A Start-Stop-Continue plan is a simple yet powerful tool. By identifying things to start doing, stop doing, and continue doing, it becomes possible to build upon what’s already working while discontinuing what’s hasn’t been contributing to success. By consciously stopping specific activities, it also becomes possible to free time and resources to focus on things to start doing that will have an even greater contribution to your definition of success as a parent and as a family system.
For months, I had wanted to take a dance class but, because the class time conflicted with our family’s dinner routine, I opted to not pursue my interest. Meanwhile, I noticed that when a scheduling conflict arose for my husband or daughters, they simply informed the rest of us that they would not be home for family dinner. I felt resentful because I thought their priorities were whack. Eventually, I realized that my feelings were less about their choices about priorities and more about how I had chosen to navigate mine. So, I decided that my balance matters too and I gave myself permission to START honoring my wants and take the dance class, STOP feeling and behaving resentful, and CONTINUE family dinners on other nights.
After speaking with my family about my desire to take the dance class, I learned I was the only one standing in the way of my goal. My family supported my idea and wanted me to do something fun – just for me. (I’m also guessing they wanted my resentful ass out of the house.) Not only that, we were able to collaboratively identify which evenings could be relied upon for all of us to eat dinner together so that we could continue our existing agreement of family dinnertime no less than 3 nights per week.
Here’s a free template any parent can use to create their plan, which is based on the following questions:
Start: What will you START doing to be more effective and accomplish your goals?
Stop: What will you stop doing to free up time and resources and create greater focus?
Continue: What will you continue doing that’s working well?
The best way to use the template is to first gain input on the questions from others including your co-parent partner and your child(ren). Then, complete the template. Share your results with others and then update your Start, Stop and Continue items based on any additional input.
The New Year provides the opportunity for a new lease on our mindsets and behavior. What will you start doing, stop doing and continue doing to make the next year better than the last?