7 Secrets to The Sex Talk(s) With Your Teen
Yes, you read that correctly – talks – as in more than one discussion about sex. I encourage you to refrain from thinking this is a one-and-done deal. Most teens respond best to the “drip system” technique of parental engagement about the topic of sex: Provide little drops of curious interest and information over time. This approach helps your kid digest your words of wisdom as the seeds of good judgment about their sex life begin to bloom. And by sex life, I mean age-appropriate and consensual: flirting, making-out, fondling, foreplay and – insert big gulp here – intercourse.
Provide little drops of curious interest and information over time.
We get so angsty about the idea of talking about sex with our teens. Probably because it’s almost as icky for us to imagine them being sexual as it is for them to image us in that way. So, yeah, this topic is kinda gnarly. We teach our kindergartners how to cross the street safely using awareness and good judgment. Now it’s time to apply that same logic to helping your child master this necessary part of burgeoning independence. To help you get from gnarly to necessary with ease, I created the following guide to discussing sex with your teenager. Controlling yourself in this realm of your teen’s sex life is powerful parenting that will serve your relationship well. (Read more about controlling your teen’s sex life here.)
BE WILLING to be that person who talks about sex. Kids learn how to talk about sex from people who talk about it. So be that person in their life who talks about sex in an informed, educated, non-judgmental and open manner.
BE AT EASE with the topic energetically as much as you can so your teen doesn’t feed off of any of your discomfort during the discussion.
CREATE A LEAD-IN using something you’ve seen, heard, or read to initiate a sex talk:
- I notice you seem to really like him/her/them…
- I notice you spend a lot of time with him/her/them…
- I read this article that got me thinking about…
- I saw this show that was talking about teens and sexual consent…
SHARE YOUR BELIEFS about your teen’s developmental task of branching out romantically. Refrain from moralistic judgments; keep your focus on beliefs about their health and safety in the context of their personal choice about when and if to be sexual:
- I believe that, when ready, your task is to start to figure out what you want/need from romantic relationships…
- I believe that the more conscious you are with your choices, and, the longer you wait to have sex, the more satisfied you will be…
- I believe that it’s your job to take responsibility for your health and well-being in romantic relationships and this includes anything related to sex…
- I believe that, until you understand what sexual consent is and is not, you are not ready to engage with anyone else sexually…
ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT without violating your teen’s personal boundaries:
- I want you to have privacy around this part of your life…
- I want you to know I’m here for you to come to with any concerns, thoughts, or questions about sex…
- I want you to protect yourself sexually…
- I want you to know how to get contraception…
- I want you to use double-protection; use condoms for STDs and another method for pregnancy prevention (Pill, spermicide, or implant)…
- I want you to approach me if you need assistance obtaining contraception…
- I want you to trust the person you engage with sexually…
- I want you to obtain verbal consent before you engage in sexual activity…
- I want you to resist your urges and stop sexual activity if the person you are with has not verbally consented to sexual activity with you…
- I want you to be treated by others with care and regard…
- I want you to expect this quality treatment from another because you are valuable and worthy…
TALK BODY PARTS because it’s difficult, especially for our daughters, to give genuine consent to sexual activity if she doesn’t know how her private parts work sexually. Our daughters will be in an empowered position if they understand that they have more than one hole, that their clitoris’ purpose is for feel-good sensations, and that stimulation of it is important for pleasure during intercourse. Don’t be afraid to discuss self-pleasure. Chances are, she may have already discovered that herself, read about it, seen it online, or heard about it. Your not talking about it communicates that it’s meant to be secretive and maybe shameful. It’s simply meant to be private. Ideally she will learn, before her first sexual experience, that if she does not experience pleasure, it is not because she’s “broken” but an indicator of something else to remain curious about. Our teen girls need to know that, in most cases, the first time can and does involve pain and discomfort. Quite simply, it hurts because their bodies are inexperienced. Reassure her that first-time discomfort is normal but won’t be characteristic of every future experience.
DE-GLAMORIZE ONLINE PORN because it distorts consent, foreplay, intercourse, and privacy. Pay attention to your parental judgment and fear that arises if you learn that your teen has viewed online porn. Adolescent curiosity about sex and sexual expression are developmentally appropriate; their gravitation towards viewing what’s readily available in the digital age is motivated by the same curiosity we had as adolescents that tempted us to sneak peeks at Playboy/Playgirl magazine. Refrain from shaming your teen if they have viewed online porn but do inform them of the risks: it’s illegal, it’s addictive, and it normalizes mindsets, attitudes, and choices that are not in the best interest of our teen’s emotional and physical health and safety. Ask your teen, “Do you have any questions or concerns about what you’ve seen?” That conversation, or – more likely – the lack of an ensuing conversation due to their own embarrassment and discomfort, is less important than the fact that this curious question demonstrates your openness and awareness of this topic.