Four Ways to Parent Our Kid’s Grief Over COVID-19 School Closures
Many parents, myself included, received e-mails with messages like this one from our school district Superintendent in recent days:
“… it currently appears that our students will not be able to return to school campuses before the end of the school year.”
Many of us have children who are nearing completion of a significant academic and social transition year. Year-end rite-of-passage rituals like proms and graduations have been suddenly yanked away. The loss of these significant milestone celebrations can be devastating for both students and parents alike. It’s now a double whammy: we’re already grieving the loss of our pre-coronavirus freedoms as we knew them, and now we’re dealing with the reality that we’ll forever miss out on our cherished milestones. When our parental leadership supports the necessary process of grief, the family unit and each member of this unit are served well because bereavement is both a collective and individual endeavor.
Parents Are Shelter-in-Place Leaders in the War Against COVID-19
With each new pronouncement from our community and educational leaders during this pandemic, the intensity of our emotions can grow exponentially greater. The result? Increasing emotional dysregulation, symptoms of anxiety, and even depression. The enemy that we are being called to fight in the war against COVID-19’s shelter- in-place order and school closure is the challenge to our children’s mental health. How this battle is fought matters for their long-term well being. Equipping ourselves with the skill of helping our kids (and ourselves) move through grief is the weapon-of-choice for combating the wounds our children may obtain from disappointing losses of freedoms and rites-of-passage events.
A roadmap exists for parents of children who are navigating these unprecedented losses. It is found in the established literature and knowledge about the grieving process. Bereavement does not follow a linear course and can be experienced and expressed differently by each individual. In response to coronavirus impacts, we are currently dipping in and out of, or getting stuck in the main stages of grief identified by Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross:
- Denial – “This whole thing is an overreaction.”
- Anger – “This isn’t fair, why is this happening?”
- Bargaining – “As long as I wash my hands, why can’t I hang out with my friends?”
- Despair – “I can kiss my college hopes and dreams goodbye now that school has closed.”
- Acceptance – “This sucks, but let’s make the best of it.”
How we lead our families through these difficult emotional experiences will influence the mental health and resilience of our children.
Recognize Signs and Symptoms of Grief in Kids During COVID-19
During this unsettling time, our children may exhibit signs of bereavement. This varies from child to child and may present as:
- difficulty concentrating
- sleeping problems
- clinginess
- changes in play
- developmental regression
- lashing out
- apathy
While these behaviors can be upsetting for us, they are not unwarranted responses given current circumstances. The influential power we parents possess lies in our ability to help our children process this difficult experience. Doing so helps minimize – and ideally prevent – their downward spiral into a rigid cluster of more serious symptoms.
Helping Grieving Kids Is a Necessary COVID-19 Parenting Skill
Here is a breakdown of four important parental leadership skills that can serve as your guide as your family navigates grief and loss in response to extended school closures.
The Four Tasks of Grief (Adapted from the TEAR Model of Grief)
T = To accept the reality of the loss
We help our children accept the reality of the loss of proms, graduations, yearbook signings, year-end theatre productions and athletic events, class picnics, senior class all-nighters, etc. by talking about and naming the event(s) that have been cancelled. Creating space for the data to be explicitly discussed and acknowledged makes it real and assists with movement through the stage of denial.
E = Experience the pain of the loss
We role model sitting with our own and our children’s discomfort when we listen to, and acknowledge their thoughts, feelings, and opinions about school event cancellations. Inviting our children to share themselves in this way helps them know they are not alone in their pain, that their upset is valid, and that home is a safe place to be their most authentic emotional selves. This cocoon of safety helps children deal with the intensity and duration of their anger resulting from significant losses.
A = Adjust to the new environment
In this ongoing adjustment process, we must make room for the “new normal” in large part by identifying that the new normal is still changing at a rapid pace. Right now, the new normal means no academic rites-of-passage in their original expected and anticipated format. Parents can pivot off this reality and lead their families in brainstorming out-of-the-box ideas for celebrating and recognizing significant events and achievements despite school closures. Within this supportive environment, our children are presented with the embodiment of flexibility, adaptation, and creativity. A child’s bargaining and despair will likely be more gentle and tempered in response to an invitation to think creatively and feel hopeful about new options.
R = Reinvest in the new reality
When we meet our children where they are in their grief process, we help them move towards the acceptance stage of grief. Children will become able and willing to invest in the new school closure reality because of their acceptance of it. Our parental leadership embodies the will to keep going despite the loss of special rites of passage. The result of our creative brainstorm invites our kids to bounce back from the setback by bringing the new idea(s) to life. New ways to signify academic-based rites of passage and achievements can never replace what would have been. And, enacting creative ways to honor our children’s academic milestones encourages the grit and resilience our children need to reinvest in their new challenging reality.
Let’s remember that parents have earned our own right to grieve. We honor ourselves when we create space for our own process and experience and find our own support during this difficult time. Our front-line position in the battle to win our kid’s emotional well-being is worthy of our own self-care. Role modeling for our kids by taking care of ourselves is one of the most powerful forms of parenting.
Be well and take good care of you and the ones you love.